376 Days… totally confused Friday, Dec 5 2008

My ‘Friend with Benefits’ comes home on Sunday, that’s two days away… looking forward to it! I’ve missed him as well.

So previously I said in 347 Days that I want more… How do I go about saying I want more? That’s the part that is screwing with me the most! I don’t want to get hurt, but I know that if I never say anything that I’ll probably get hurt in the future anyways.

I’m going away over Christmas and thought that I should talk to him before I go away, that way if he does totally reject me then I can at least cry on holidays and totally get over it… right?

I’m a smart girl and I’m able to convert my ideas and the knowledge that I have so others can understand me, I’m just not sure as to why I’m so incapable of interpreting my emotions to others?

Especially to him, when we first set down the terms of this ’situation’, he said to me, “Friends with Benefits? Or do you want more?”

Does that mean that there is the possibility of having more in this ‘relationship?’ Or does it simply mean that he was hoping that I would never want the second choice and it was just a nice thing to say?

Does it help that we’d been dancing around each other for months and that he asked me out for lunch (we work in the same office building) and I for some reason kept saying no! OMG maybe I’m just an idiot? Should I be reading between the lines in this situation or should I just take it as it is?

I admire the intelligence of this man, his determination, yes he may be a little obsessive compulsive when it comes to certain activities in his life, but I like people who are dedicated and sure he may yell at technology when it screws up but who doesn’t!

He’s the sort of man that doesn’t do anything by half measure, he goes all the way or he doesn’t bother at all. He invited me to an event that he was attending not long ago and I was the only one in the office that was invited, is that a good sign? OF course I went and I was totally late but its a public outing and that’s significant or does he purely see us as friends?

Your insight and knowledge is required! You too boys, can you translate for me?

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420 Days… Maybe Friday, Jan 30 2009

Friends with Benefits, here we are again, there are apparently rules about being Friends with Benefits and by the looks of it I haven’t followed a single one of them.

• Number One: Don’t get too attached – FAIL
• Number Two: Don’t fall in love – HUGE FAILURE
• Don’t really need a Number Three, the above points really cover the facts.

Why? Why? Why?

I’m totally screwed….

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Island Home – We left because.. Friday, Jan 30 2009

Today I feel as though I am nothing, I know to someone out there that I something, but today I just want for it to be over, I know I’ll get through the day and wake up tomorrow and carry on, but, sometimes I wish my life would get easier… I would have thought by now that I deserved a little bit of happiness.

Life for me started out okay, happy family and all of that warm and fuzzy stuff (I understand that people out there have had it a lot harder than I have, but I’m aloud to feel a little shit occasionally, right?).

I think by the time I was about eight it was clear that my parents weren’t meant to be together, I remember my father breaking my mothers nose, but I’m not sure if I actually saw it happen or if I imagined that it happened, it did happen cause I remember mum driving herself to the hospital with me in the car.

I remember when my father forced the front door to the point that it came of its hinges and broke all the glass, we had this big house with a really long hallway, probably if I went back it wouldn’t be as long, you know how it is when your younger everything seems so much bigger. After that happened I had a huge fear of the front door, even at night if I needed to go to the toilet I wouldn’t go, I’d wait till morning, till there was light.

I remember my grandmother (my father’s mother), dragging my brother and I out of school because my father was going to kill himself… he didn’t, but that’s all I remember of that saga.

Sometimes I would stay up all night reading books about crime and detectives who caught criminals, I didn’t sleep very much for four years, if I wasn’t ready I was writing stories, that always had happy endings, where every one lived happily ever after.

There was another time when we got dragged to the police station by my father, I’m not overly sure why, I was little and didn’t really understand.

What I do understand is that my mother was the right person to choose… my father scared the hell out of me when I was a child, now he doesn’t scare me… I’m stronger, I’m faster and I will always be better than what he is.

This is why I don’t want to go back anymore, I don’t want to remember the horrible times and days, I don’t want to remember the pain anymore and as much as I try to forget it its still there, it still haunts me.

When I go to The Island which isn’t as frequent as it was… I still turn around and look behind me, I still look at the face across the road and wonder if I’ll be recognised, if someone will try to find me, hunt me down and tell me what a horrible daughter I was, what a terrible child I was…

I never asked for much, at least that was what my mum said, but I also know that we always had everything that we needed, there wasn’t anything to ask for.

I hope by leaving The Island that I can loose the old memories that have and are so painful… I want new memories that are happy.

I know I’m not that badly off, there are people out there worse off than me and I should be thankful for all that I have, which I am, today has just been a little hard and a little long and sad, today I needed someone and nobody was there.

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SY – Being Retrenched Friday, Jan 30 2009

I lost my job 10 days ago, I’ve been looking for something new and still haven’t found anything, everyone says it takes time but I hate it, I feel useless and alone.

All my friends are working and I have nothing, the future is now uncertain because some financial guru’s thought they where doing a good thing… probably they should rethink what they’ve done!

I’m glad I got retrenched because I actually really didn’t like my job at all, or the people that I worked for, but at the same time I really wanted to leave on my terms and not on there’s; I wanted to be the rule maker.

So now everything has been turned upside down for me… I’m not happy and I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow.

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SY – The way you look does matter! Tuesday, Dec 16 2008

Okay so there are a group of people out there who say it doesn’t matter what you look like, its what’s on the inside that counts!

Lets start by saying that you as a person should be beautiful on the inside and the out, we mean this emotionally because believe it or not, there are some dog UGLY people out there… Take Ugly Betty for example, who wants to play an Ugly person? Yeah me either! Also the storey line bites ass!

Personnel grooming is very important, we don’t like it if you smell, or if your breath stinks! If you don’t have any close friends then you may want to look at these grooming issues and say to yourself am I doing enough.

Waxing is important, specifically for woman who have a tendency to be a little hairier on the outside, like there is a girl in my office, lets call her BN and she has a Moe! That’s right and although the hair is fine you can see it really well and every time I stop and talk to her I’m distracted by the Moe and I just want to get some wax, tackle her and go all out!

Sorry this was a moment where I was truly heinous… oops!

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SY – Hating Venture Capital Tuesday, Dec 16 2008

Did you know I started this job and I had no idea what I was doing, now I have a better understanding of what I’m doing and I’m better at it then I ever was… actually I’m rather brilliant at it now that you mention it! Yes I’m gloating, but there are not a lot of places to get your kicks from around here and people aren’t willing to hand out praise very often either.

But I want to tell you a little about Melbourne Footballers, one of them is called TH, but we’ll call him ‘The Boss’, why is he ‘The Boss’ you ask? Well he’s ‘The Boss’ because he’s got about $100 Million to play with! Yep that’s right ladies and gentleman the man has power money behind him, which is great if you like to suck cock on a regular basis…Can I also mention that the man is old and should be allowed out any more!

So why do I hate him? Well he refuses to CC me in on Emails which is really petty and it all started because of a meeting that we had organised, the power goes out in the entire building right and I say lets all go to the local cafe that we visit, so I make some calls and tell the people coming where we’ll be there.

Now I go down the stairwell and don’t pass a single person on my way down, not a all freaky which is cool! 15 minutes later I get a phone call saying that ‘The Boss’ is upstairs and that the power is back on, coolies right? Yep so we trudge back up with laptops and documents and all that other stuff, some coffees and some pastries.

First thing I hear was, “I saw you in the stair well and you didn’t say hello to me,” Said ‘The Boss.’

“Excuse me?” I ask politely, “I’m sorry when was this?”

“When I came up” Says ‘The Boss.’

The receptionist says, “Rowena was downstairs at the Cafe when you came up and had been for some time.”

“No, I defiantly saw you in the stair well and you didn’t say hello!” Said ‘The Boss’ AGAIN!

Like OMG how many times do I have to say that I didn’t see him in the stairwell? Does he not get it? Like really! And ever since then he hates me!

Did I mention that ‘The Boss’ is followed around by, ‘The Apprentice’, yes that’s right we have our own little game going on around here in SY, he’s cute! The girl at the front and I both agree that he’s cute, he’s almost stunning and he’s brilliantly put together as well, beautiful suit, great mouth and all those wonderful things as well. But at the end of the day he’s a guy with a fancy degree who likes to make my life miserable and he analysis every last cent that is spent… but he’s not as bad as ‘The Boss’ so its a bonus!

Till one of them piss me off again!

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SY – Your the most pathetic boss there ever was! Tuesday, Dec 16 2008

So its Christmas… To begin with he’s walking around giving all these people fake Tiffany’s in the actual box, can we say cheap?

I think we would all prefer something cheaper and real that didn’t have a fake label on it wouldn’t you? I know I would! It would have been easier to  sell on EBay if it had been real at least then I’m sure I could have some more money for Christmas

Lets also mention this… Christmas right, he wont pay me two weeks in advance, every other job that I have ever had has paid me in advance for my holidays and this bastard wont! Is there something about the men in SY that makes them be absolute pricks?

Like he will advance money to all of the woman that he is fucking but he wont give me my two weeks in advance! These woman aren’t even prostitutes, there apparently smart woman with degrees and all of that stuff, sometimes they don’t even work and because they spent too much he gives them money out of the business… Some weeks you wonder if your ever going to get paid as well!

GM gets paid $1500 in advance… I never ask to be paid in advance once and now that its Christmas he’s being a complete asshole about it!

So I’m job hunting and getting out of here as soon as possible… I don’t care that there is a credit crisis, I just need to get out and away from these dumb ass idiots who like to live in the fucking dark… What ever happened to work place safety… I’m sorry I obviously don’t matter that much!

Oh and lets call him JD, its close enough, he is old enough to be my Grandfather and he’s running around with the SY bike (I like to think of her as GF 2 as she has only been with him for about 2 years, she doesn’t work and financially lets just say she’s really really felt the credit crisis at its best), oh and he’s also running around with The British Princes (She doesn’t work, she ‘trades’ and isn’t that successful from what I understand, she’s not living in a fucking palace now is she! But I like to refer to her as GF 1, mainly cause she’s been with him for about 5 years).

I’ve had enough…

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381 Days… Can we say Drama Queen? Tuesday, Dec 9 2008

Okay so it would seem that I’m a bit of a drama queen… after a decent eight hours sleep that I had been lacking I came to the realisation that I was being silly… go figure!

So we can clarify a few things today which I think may be helpful for everyone

1. Don’t make decisions when you clearly have had no sleep
2. Also don’t make decisions when you’ve only had sex once in the past 25 days
3. Don’t count how many days they are gone for… it makes it worse
4. Don’t sit at your office thinking about what happened the night he came home where you had great fabulous welcome home sex and moan (Yep that’s right, I did that and then everyone knows your having sex)
5. Don’t use your work email to send messages to another friend in a totally unrelated office (Yes because from time to time my boss does use my computer to search for emails and seeing an email labelled, “Had the greatest sex of my life last night…” Probably not appropriate)
6. Don’t tell everyone your going to end it and then change your mind the next day!
7. Do send text messages to ‘Friend with Benefits’ about what you plan to do to him on Tuesday night and what you plan to do to yourself whilst your pleasing him… Mmmm
8. Do not send more than one message… You will look like a whore by doing this, if he replies with something just as naughty and suggestive then your welcome to do the same.
9. Don’t push him for more to soon… he will tell you if he wants to have more with you! Yes the man gets to make the decision on this one, remember that line, “He’s just not that into you.”
10. IF he’s fucking you and there’s conversation then he is clearly into you, when I say conversation I mean do you talk about your day and what you’ve both been doing then he’s probably more into you than he realises… Go away on a holiday and then he will realise how much he missed  you and will want you more.
11. If you want everyone to know then send an anonymous email to the office gossip and tell her, maybe that will make commit to you quicker, but at the same time if you’ve been looking desperate he may assume that its you who did it, even though it was anonymous.
12. Do treat him as well as he treats you… If you’ve been a little cranky for the last few days then say sorry, its not that hard!

I don’t know if this is going to help anyone, its just information that I’ve gotten from a lot of woman that I know, who have had relationship, been married and divorced and who are wiser than my Girl Friends…

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380.6 Days… Maybe I changed my mind… Again! Monday, Dec 8 2008

He walked into my office today to see if I was okay… I said to him that I was just cranky cause I was at work and that I would be okay…

Okay that’s a lie! Sorry! What I really said was that I was on the verge of a breakdown and probably it was best if I didn’t talk to anyone further about it! He knows I’m a drama queen and just smiles and roles his eyes at me! Damn him!

And then he makes me laugh about the Odd Spot’s that he was reading in China!

What on earth is a girl to do? I can’t keep living in denial, I think I’ll sleep on it!

But… I at the end of the day have nothing but love for him!

P.S. Perhaps I should rename this Drama Queen falls in Love and doesn’t know what to do! Go Figure!

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380.5 Days… I thinks its time to end it? Monday, Dec 8 2008

So I’ve spent all morning at my desk thinking about the future and have just realised that there is no future with him… I can see that he doesn’t want what I want, he looks at me as though he does, but then another situation occurs and you can see that its not that same

I’m almost in tears at my desk when I sit here to write this… I haven’t felt this way about someone in so many years and then to have my heart ripped out by my own hands I feel devastated and broken. If he doesn’t turn around and tells me he feels the same way, then I may as well forget the theory of love and move on… Move on to what? I keep hearing that there is someone for everyone but I’d like to know where my someone is! Why aren’t they here? With me? How many times do I need to break my heart before you fall in love with me?

I have tried so hard to change the things that I do and to be a better person that I am so sick of it now!

I am also sick of being me, sick of feeling the things that I feel.

The feelings I have for you are putting me in pain… And I don’t know what to do. I’m just a girl!

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380 Days… About to loose count! Monday, Dec 8 2008

He is officially home… I went 25 days with without sex and didn’t complain once, I played it cool and didn’t go nuts… so I’m so totally proud of myself.

I was with him last night, I have to admit that I had really missed him that much, espeically the way he touches me, it was like the first time we had sex all over again… waking up beside him was like heaven, there was no rush to get up and his arms where still around me and I can’t believe I got up 40 minutes later and went to work… I seriously cannot believe that I left him in bed to go to work, he’s across the hall from me so I should be seeing him in about an hour or so I think.

I’d like to have one more night with him before he goes back to rowing at ridiculous times in the morning, I’ll see if I can have that tonight? I just like waking up beside him… there’s nothing wrong with that right?

Also I think he wants more… I hope he wants more, I want him to want me as much as I want him! ‘Friends with Benefits,’ word of advice don’t… just don’t settle for that, want more and expect more, we all deserve more! That includes men, its not just about woman, men deserve more as well.

I’m not very good with my feelings and I don’t know how to say that I really like you, admire you, want you, like what if he rejects me? I don’t want to be rejected by him! I want to be loved by him and adored in the same way that I would return the same feelings!

Anyway its 11:28 am and I’m exhausted… I’m also at work not doing anything… so I’m going to go and try and do something constructive apparently.

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